I presented the following piece at Big Words, Etc, a monthly literary reading series that asks writers to present work based on a chosen theme. The theme for June's event was strangers.
a Starbucks study
The
Staring Men of Starbucks: a brief history
The
men at your local Starbucks vary in variety and many present no clear danger to
women, beverages, or other coffee house sensibilities. Particular varieties of men include the newspaper
holding retiree, the eyeglassed artist positioned over moleskin or laptop, the
midday business man, the early morning business man, and then there are the staring
men.
The
staring men of Starbucks have tractor beam stares that sound off warning sirens
that only women can hear. Common
qualities of staring men include a uniform of pants and nondescript shirt, they
come armed with a beverage or they may be sans beverage and often have business
cards they force your fingers to wrap around.
Staring
men might smell of alcohol and ask if you are a good girl, if you are a bad
girl, give you tips on proper Mac care, tell you they do not make “your kind”
anymore and want you to meet their mothers.
Staring
men have been found at Starbucks located in Astor Place, by Astor Place, California,
San Francisco, and Concord California which is near San Francisco. They are commonly attracted to women who sit
alone and occupied with laptops, books, soy lattes, and iced coffees. If a woman looks into the eyes or answers a
single question from a staring man she will become a target.
In rare cases, the staring men of Starbucks have been known
to make pornographic proposals.
Staring
men of Starbucks: a study of pornographic offerings
Case
#1:
Female
subject is seated at a table located by a window and a prized power
outlet. Her eyes meet a staring
man. A siren sounds and he walks to her,
stopping approximately four feet from her table.
You want to make a porn
with me?
He
stares and says:
You want to make a porn
with me?
Subject
responds with one or more of the following standard reactions:
#1
Go to hell.
#2
In your dreams.
#3
God no.
#4 Something
far more profane than options 1, 2 and 3.
The
staring man reacts to these responses by exiting.
Case
#2
Same
setting. Female subject at table with
power outlet. Staring man’s beam is
activated. A siren. He approaches her.
You want to make a porn
with me?
He
stares and says:
You want to make a porn
with me?
Subject
responds with the following completely logical illogical reactions:
#1 How
do you know I’m even good at sex? [i]
#2 You
could have a disease. When was the last
time you were tested? [ii]
The
staring man responds by saying
My friend is waiting at
home with a camera.
Subject
says
Why would you ask me to
do that?
Pornographic offerings: a firsthand testimonial
I
was 21 years old, a poor undergraduate and a recovering Catholic[iii].
I was at Starbucks in Concord California working on my laptop, listening to
Modest Mouse, and trying to write one of my first plays, Red Umbrellas.
I
remember I had to gather change around the house to afford my iced tea. The Starbucks was a half a mile from my first
apartment that had a horrible futon that ate your ass whenever you sat down and
a huge fake pot tree my mother bought in Venice Beach because the vendor
convinced her it was a Japanese eggplant. [iv] I remember I drove to Starbucks with my gas
gauge on empty and I wasn’t wearing much makeup.
Alan was my first staring Starbucks man. He came into the place and didn’t even buy a
drink. He flirted
with the hot barista at the bar and she refused to give him any. I looked at them, he caught me looking, and
he came to my table.
Alan
was all disorder. He had unsettled eyes,
blonde brown hair and older than his years tanned leather skin that hung off
his face. No hot tamale ripped man wonder but ragged.
He
came up to me and said
You want to make a porn
with me?
I
said
How do you know I’m even
good at sex? I could
be horrible at it. Are you going to ask
me to audition?
He
said
Make a porn with me.
I
said
I could have a
disease. Aren’t you going to ask me if
I’m clean? You could have a
disease. When was the last time you were
tested?
He got very serious and said
I want you to make a
porn with me.
He didn’t know me, I didn’t know him, I was in awe by the
audacity of the whole thing.
I stared at him and said
Why would you ask me
to do that?
He looked at me and said
You got big tits.
Alan
then sat down at my table and we talked for twenty minutes.
Other girls have done it
with me. My car is in the parking lot.
Why would you ask me to
do that?
I won’t pay you, but
you’ll have a good time.
Why would you ask me to
do that?
My friend is waiting.
Why would you ask me to
do that?
You have big tits.
I know. Why would you ask me to do that?
Eventually, Alan undressed at the table, but only partially,
only shirt pulled up, his chest staring at me and a scar, a roadway from his
belly button to his heart. It was one
inch thick, pink, fresh, maybe a couple years old. I showed him my scar, it circled my left eye
and was still pink, it was four years old.
I hit a steering wheel and busted open my eye, Alan’s motorcycle hit the
pavement and he needed to be cracked open.
Alan
told me he spent three months in a coma.
He woke up to a torso scarred and his moods scrambled. We both knew about brain injuries but I
recovered and Alan couldn’t.
His
wife left him, she couldn’t handle a scrambled man. He was hard to live with. Said he had mood swings all the time. He used to have money. His wife took custody of his girl. He used to have a lot of money. He hadn’t talked to his daughter in a while.
He
stared at me and said.
I don’t know why I’m
alive. Why does God want me to live?
I
wasn’t qualified to talk about God, especially mid afternoon at a Starbucks.
I don’t know.
I
said.
I
really didn’t know.
Then
I said
But I think it has to do
with a little girl who would love to hear from her Dad. Do what you can and give her a call.
I
can’t describe the face of a man who cries from rock bottom. It’s bigger than metaphor, it bites an angry
thumb at simile.
Alan
never met a playwright before, he hoped to see a play of mine one day.
He
said
Who knows, maybe a
character will have my name and I’ll say, ‘I met that girl at Starbucks on time.’
He
said he was glad he met me, then he walked away.
Staring
men: a conclusion
Staring
men are creatures of explicit attention.
However, explicit is not just sweaty torsos, grinding limbs, unwanted
caresses, or slimy stares. Explicit is
also the cracking open of the self, bearing witness to a man being ripped
apart, and the shocking intimacy of a moment that is instantly heavy with
significance. It is easy to identify the
dangers associated with pornographic offers, those that lead to nudity and a
guy holding a camera, but the dangers of pornographic conversations, the kind
that lead to profane profundity, are never discussed. And perhaps should be
Staring
men at Starbucks happen. They are a
common, but not an every day, occurrence.
They lead women to butcher their napkins as they sit nervously chanting
“please go away.” Their business cards
are unearthed from rarely used purses and a cringe instantly happens. They are barked at, evil eyed, and sometimes
women talk to them.
In
one rare instance, a staring man was written into a play and the character he
inspired walked onstage thirty eight minutes into an opening night performance.[v]
The
role was small and involved the following:
The
Man Who Says His Name is Alan walks up to a barista and says
See that car out there,
it’s mine.
He
asks
Do you have a boyfriend
or husband?
She
responds
I got both
The
audience laughed and The Man Who Says His Name is Alan ordered a decaf and
exited the stage.[vi]
[i] While this response opens the door for
further conversation and may be an error in judgment, it remains a good
question. The concern of sexual
performance, even the follow up question of “Are you even going to ask me to
audition?,” reflects a sincere inquiry into a rather daunting and highly
demanding task that requires commitment, acting ability, muscle memory, and
knowledge of camera angles.
[ii] The
professional porn industry has a checkered past involving sexually transmitted
diseases but such statistics in the amateur genre are not as documented. However, looking at general public healthy
statistic deems this question not only worthy but intelligent, regardless of
its context.
[iii]
Inclusion of religious status is not important now but will be a useful reference
for later parts of this testimony.
[iv] The
pot tree was later given away via Craiglist to a history teacher that wanted a
“conversation starter” in his high school classroom.
[v] The
character was played by an undergraduate SoCal beach god and bared no
resemblance to the actual staring man. The
show was called Red Umbrellas.
[vi] It
should be noted that Alan never saw himself onstage, as he never attended a
performance.
 |
| Red Umbrellas, Saint Mary's College 2005 |
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