What if feels like to audition

I went into a semi-induced retirement from acting for about four years. It was for various reasons, the biggest ones being I had a million jobs in San Francisco and I didn't have any confidence left to get out there.

So I am auditioning again which means I am acting again. This weekend was general auditions at school, I had to watch all seven hours of them cause I am directing but I also auditioned.

First off, do you know how stressful it is to audition? They have done stress studies on fighter pilots and actors and they find that more stress and adrenaline is found in actors who are about to go on stage. Take that and chew on it!

For those who aren't in theater, this is a quick overview of what seven hours and two hundred actors looks like:
-80% of the auctioneers are girls
-The men usually do monologues where they yell
-The women do monologues where they usually cry
-One in every 20 people forget their lines and look like they are going to cry as they ask if they can start over again
-Some people try to make small talk with the 30 people who are casting. This is never a successful tactic and leads to a moment of awkwardness.
-Hardly any actress does a monologue where she is not weak, hurt, upset at a man
-Hardly any actor does a monologue where he is in love, happy, not macho
-90% of the actresses stand like this during their monologues:



So after this weekend I basically don't want to see anymore upset twenty something girls standing with their hands on their hips. That my friends, is not acting. That is a Friday night during high school.

So for my audition I chose to be Phaedra and a hormonal nine month pregnant woman. You wanna stand out at an audition so I was a mean queen who was in love with her stepson and a terrifyingly hormonal momma to be.

So what is it like to audition?
-Your heart goes crazy. Think John Henry is in there with a sledgehammer and you also just drank a gallon of coffee.
-You have to pretend to be calm. You can't shake, you have to think "do not blush", and you have to not gesture obsessively like you are Italian or something.
-You are in constant fear that you will forget your first line. You have to assure yourself that you do know the first line. You have to repeat it like it's a holy mantra.
-You have to ignore the 30 people who are sitting there, expressionless, quickly writing down on pads of paper. They don't matter. They are just casting everything.
-You have to play yourself as well as the characters. So basically, "Hi, my name is Angela. I am like the funnest person you could ever know. Look at how cool and talented I am. You so want to work with me!"
-No matter how bad it went or how good you feel, you have to tell everyone "Thank you" at the end in a way that makes them think of sunshine and rainbows and the happiest rides at Disneyland while still looking like I am so cool that tomorrow I could start a fashion trend just by rolling out of bed.

And that my friends is what auditioning is about. If you bomb that, you could have all the talent in the world but you will never get cast.

No pressure, fo sho.